Wake Me Up

The pastor at my church is always praying that God "wake us up at 3 am." This is incredibly unappealing to me as I, like most humans, require sleep to function. But tonight, that is not the case. I am still awake and 11:45 pm, and it's a good thing I am. There's is purpose to me not being tired yet. I woke up this morning at 7:00, went to class, came home, and slept till noon. I was so tired, but because of that nap, I am still wide awake. Why is this a good thing? Well, I am needed.

One of my youth girls is in a hospital waiting room right now. Her knee seized up while she was swimming, and she had to get pulled out of the pool. The only reason I know this is because we're friends on Snap Chat (Google it) and I saw she had a picture of a hospital waiting room, and she wanted people to text her. Having been in a few emergency rooms at late hours myself, I immediately reached out to her. Then I got some of my best prayer warriors and friends to pray for her. She is still in a lot of pain, and her knee won't release, so waiting to see a Dr feels like it's taking an extra long time. She's going to text me once she knows more of what's going on. So I am glad that I'm awake.

Another one of the girls that I connect with at youth is having boy troubles. Now normally, this would be fun, and we could gossip about boys and giggle, but no. This girl deals with a ton of anxiety, sees situations from every single point of view, and it WAY more worried about other peoples feelings than her own. She's me, essentially, five years ago. It's interesting to try and figure out what I would've wanted people to say to me in those moments of intense fear and anxiety. Honestly, I don't know if I would've listened. And it's super frustrating, because I know a counselor would help, but her mom doesn't think it would do anything, and doesn't believe medication would either. I don't know best, I'm not her parent, but we've talked a lot, and I wish that I could just make her mother see! She's hurting so much, all the time...she can't sleep, and she's scared. I am a sounding board for her, and that's fine by me. There often isn't room for me to say anything, but I am getting better at asking the right questions. Sometimes that's all that's needed.

So I am ready to be woken up at three in the morning. I am ready to not fall asleep, lying here in bed with nothing but the sound of the snow-clearers outside. I am ready, God, use me as You need me. I have been given this compassionate heart and these open arms for a reason, and I am scared, and I am ready.

Today I Choose

Today, I am good. I am so good. I am even better than good, I am great. These days are becoming more and more plentiful, and I feel like I'm moving towards something big. I am writing this down for the next day I'm not doing well. I want to remember how good I have it. I have so many wonderful friends who I love so, so much. I have family that cares about me, and while I don't see them as often as I'd like, always keep their doors open just in case I'm around. Today I do homework and practice for the social on Friday. Hopefully my voice is back in full-force by Friday, but I'll do my best regardless.

Blech

I am sick, Kari is sick, Alyssa is sick, Zach is sick. While I would love nothing more than for someone to come over and take care of us, it is clear that our house is infected. Zach had a doctor's appointment today, and turns out he has the flu. That means I have the flu, because I caught it first. We all have the flu, except for Sophie, who got the flu shot. I am now an advocate for the flu shot. I feel awful. Alyssa doesn't get sick, so she's probably the worst one to deal with. I just want to laugh at her because she's so pathetic. Not the right reaction. Sleep and fluids, that's all we can do.

Different Kinds of Plague

So, life is busy. Life is always busy. (I almost wrote "busty." Life is not always busty.) I have an assignment due tomorrow that past Brooklyn so lovingly put off until today. Well, I did do one of three pages over the weekend, but I kept saying that I would have time tomorrow. The funny thing about tomorrow is it eventually becomes today. And so here we are, having arrived at the ever-looming "today." That is the first kind of plague I am dealing with: Procrastination Plague.

The second type of plague comes from this device I'm using to write this. I'll call it Perusing Plague. While I am in control of my own actions, this computer makes it very easy for me to disappear for an hour or two into the world of the internet. It's a deep, dark hole, and I fall down it often. The main problem is that I have to do homework on my computer, so the internet is literally at my fingertips. I need to work on my willpower.

The third and final type of plague is the Phlegm Plague. I am actually sick. Well no, I refuse to get sick. But it's coming. I cough every time I take a deep breath. Kari has it too. We saw each other in the kitchen this morning before she left for work, and she looks like death. Literal death. I at least put on a positive face. I firmly believe that attitude helps when it comes to sickness. I will not be taken down by this incessant hacking! But it is irritating because I like to breathe.

If this persists, I will go see someone. Lungs are important, and I rather like mine.

I'm heading to MCI with some fellow youth leaders tomorrow to hang out with some of our students who go there. It should be fun! I love being a youth leader. I never thought I would. I can be outgoing, but I've never really been much of a camp-type person. I take myself a little too seriously, so this is probably good for me. I have been blessed in ways I hadn't expected, and I am actually leading Senior Youth next year with 3 of my friends. While i miss the Seeds community, I really feel like I belong here at LSCF. It's beginning to feel like home.

Brain and Neck- The name of my new band

I am going in for 2 more MRI's today. Why? Who knows. Certainly not my doctor. I have minimal faith in the doctor that I have been assigned too. But there is probably nothing wrong with me, so I'm not too concerned. Just curious. People seem to have to work so hard to get diagnosed, and for some, it ends up being to late. At what point do you stop asking questions?  I don't really want to chase after doctors to find out if something is wrong with me. I have spent more time in doctors offices and hospitals this past year than in my entire life. I'm over it, for now at least. I have a follow up appointment in February, so I'll ask my final questions, and this will hopefully be done. Or I will go back every 6 months forever and ever amen.

New Year, Same Old Me

I think I'm back. I think I'm going to try and write more here again. I hardly come home anymore, and I could probably keep people up to date with me here. We'll see. Today is a productive day, and I don't have a ton of those. Maybe I'll just make a list of things that are going on/have happened recently, and you all can text or email me if you have an questions. Or concerns. Whatever the case may be.

The biggest change at the moment is that I've started taking medication for my anxiety/depression. I also go to counselling, occasionally, but it is SO expensive. And the place I'm going doesn't get covered by my insurance. But I'm figuring it out. Aside from a bit of nausea whenever I increase the dosage (as per the doctor's recommendation. I don't just take whatever I want whenever.), the effects have been pretty positive. I am able to do normal people things, like going to the mall, without freaking out. It's wonderful. I think I'm a bit more talkative now too, which is driving my one sister crazy. But I am very happy. I do have bad days still, we all do, but they're not as often. I am very open to talking about all this sort of stuff, so if you're ever wondering anything, just ask.

I am working towards becoming a sign language interpreter. It's going to be a long journey, and a lot of work, but I think I've found something that is worth the hard work. I haven't really had that before. I am very excited to see where this could take me. It's not a path I ever would have seen for myself when I graduated high school, but I am so ready.

I feel like something big is coming. This year is going to be a good one. I am looking forward to whatever God has in store for me. I will do things that scare me, I will take steps into unfamiliar places, and I will trust that He's got me. I am surrounded by family who are also my friends, and friends who have become family.

I'll try to keep you all updated.

And Another

I found this poem on an old blog of mine. It was written for a poetry class I was in. The goal was to write a poem comparing two things without using "like/as". This was a bit dark, but it was a good challenge.

You are a soccer ball
At foot level
Pushed every which way
Always put on path
Kicked by all who know you
And yet
You're just happy that they
play with you at all