Today, I was disappointed. That being a feeling which I don't have to endure too often, due to my rather joy-filled life, I wasn't sure how to deal with it. I still don't know how to deal with it. When I get disappointed, my first reaction is to judge myself. What could I have done better? In what ways is this my fault? I don't look to blame other people, for no other reason than it would be an unfruitful experience. Being upset with someone is rather useless, because:
1. telling them I'm disappointed does nothing but make for a really uncomfortable conversation where nothing changes anyway. I try to avoid those.
2. why make someone feel bad that I feel bad? Surely enough "bad" is already being felt.
3. Really, in the grand scheme of things, perhaps it will be for the best. Maybe this moment will be a pivotal one where my life suddenly becomes amazing, or I visit Narnia through magical new practice room, whereupon the mirror which I watch myself practice in is actually a portal.
So I blame no one but myself for my disappointments. Which is great for those people in life who will disappoint me. However, the affect is not such a positive one, when it comes to myself. I am a user of the drug known as escapism. Now, it's not actually a substance, but it does alter ones state of being. After today, I spent an hour listening to music that transported me away from my current situation. It did nothing to help the situation. In fact, it probably pulled me deeper into the pit of self pity I had begun to dig myself. But I've always had a bit of an imagination, and I've never been scared to use it.
The reason, I think, that I deal with disappointment in this way is because I have no where else to direct those feelings. Dealing with them is pointless, for feelings are meant to be felt. There is nothing to work through, not really, except my own pride. Perhaps if I were to tell someone, to their face, how I was feeling, then maybe that disappointing feeling would lift. It would have served its purpose, helped me grow a bit, and I could move on.
Here's the thing. If I confess to having not achieved something that I am supposed to be good at, I am showing weakness. Which is fine. I'm not a rock. However, with vulnerability comes pity from those you've shared your feelings with. I dislike pity. I don't want people to say nice things to me when I've failed at something. Especially because they have never said those things before, and they wouldn't be saying them if they hadn't thought you were upset. Pity feels dishonest, almost patronizing. So, no pity. Empathy, maybe, but no pity. No "oh, but you're so talented" or "they made a mistake". I mean, family are the only ones who can say this, and even then, I feel little meaning from it. Not saying my family is saying kind things to belittle me. It comes from a good place. But it has no affect on me. I don't feel any different. Which is a horribly self-centered conclusion, but I feel pity benefits the giver of it, not the receiver. Asking me what went wrong, where I could improve, how I read the situation, how I'm feeling, those sorts of inquiries show that people care. And if there's nothing else to say, a simple "well, that sucks" will suffice. But pity? It doesn't create a sense of caring. Not that anyone has to care. I would like to simply spill what's weighing on my soul for that moment, and move on.
Re-reading some of this, I come off as some sort of pretentious twit who wants people to always say the right thing. It's true, I'd like that. But I don't always say the right thing either. We are people, and people make mistakes. I know that the audience of this blog cares about me, and I love you all very much. But I will continue to feel disappointed for a while, because I am disappointed. I will watch Lord of the Rings, and imagine I am somewhere else. But because I am no longer 12 years old, I will move on, and I'll still get school work done. Maybe I won't leave my room tonight, but a little taste of melancholy never hurt anyone. It's a head space I rarely get to delve into.
I didn't make it into Opera Workshop.
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